On my own

This week has been very therapeutic. I have refrained from all chores, started taking my showers in the evening after working out and have been sleeping pretty much straight through the night with little to no back pain.

I pretty much shut myself down in order to recover. I am sad that I won’t be able to “get away” to the lake this weekend but it’s ok.

I’ve thought about a lot over this week and I can’t rule out that steve and I are done for good but I certainly needed this time and I know that he did.

On a positive note I got an iPhone on Tuesday and am completely obsessed. I’m using a full scale fitness and calorie tracker which is keeping me on the straight and narrow.

I almost had a conniption when I logged puff pastry and saw the calorie count. I’ve walked for 45 min every night on the treadmill and stayed in the 1500 calorie range every day. Bring it baby I can do this.

before this mess began

I did make some little meals and treats last week before things took a turn… i was cooking for myself as the ex-boy was out of town for work…

And I made a breakfast for dinner meal adapted from cooking fanatic and a mishmash type of brownie that involved chocolate, graham crackers, bananas and marshmallows…

I’ll post the recipes for them later this week… but here’s a sneak peek…

i call it a baked breakfast burrito casserole lol

 

 

 

 

banana s'more brownies

 

 

 

mild panic

Today, as I stood outside and surveyed the mess that is my house and property I had an anxiety/panic attack…

My mom and step dad had come in to see me and were helping me make plans for how to attack the long list of things that had never been done while Steve and I were together – mainly because he had promised to take care of it…

But as we began to work I started to realize this is possible… I can do this… I will have to learn things, like how to properly use a weed whacker and build my stamina for soil moving, not to mention trying to save for a new roof and siding…

But I can do it…

Today has been hard, he came to get his things this morning and as I packed them up preparing for his arrival I was a bit numb… and when he clung to me as he left crying, I knew that he was hurting… But I also knew that I was not functional anymore…

I need this…

Maybe one day things may change… but that’s too far in the future to tell…

For now, I’ll be walking minnie every day… getting to the gym… working on my house… and getting back in touch with me… I’ve only been single for 2 months over the last 3 years… and I need this…

Cooking for One

That’s what I’ll be doing from now on…

Not because its the new theme of the blog…

Not because I want to show how to make small portion meals…

But because after over a year and a half my relationship has disintegrated and no longer exists…

I made the decision…

I’m the one who was ridiculously unhappy…

That was obviously today when he called and thought the argument last night had been one big joke…

No, I was serious… I don’t know who you are anymore, I don’t know who I am anymore… I just know I’m so unhappy that I don’t want to come home some days…

I know I’m tired of trying to love someone who seems to hate everything I love, who says they can’t stand my Minnie girl, someone who tells me I can’t cook, never offers to help with house work…

And most importantly someone who chose to take a job that he knew would take him out of town consistently without knowing where to or when or how long until it was actually time to go… someone who accepted a job without asking me how I would feel, what it would do to us…

If there is one thing I need in my life from the person I am with it is a routine, and someone dependable… someone who will be home at the same time every day or can at least call and say I won’t be home for an hour…. someone who I know can be there if I need him and put me first…

I just can’t do it anymore… I’m not saying it will be over for forever, but we needs some time away from each other completely…

The sad part is that I’m more upset that I won’t be able to go to the lake… that I can’t get away from it… I know that I will have to really crack down on finances, that I will have to find a neighbor to help with Minnie if I have a long day… but you know what… I have lost who I am… I’ve gained 20 lbs since the boy started the new job…

I’m a shell of who I once was… and I just can’t do it anymore…

The Mess of My Mind

1. Thanks for the massive support yesterday when I opened up about the events from 8 years ago.

2. Am I a bad american because I’m a little upset that the President’s speech may interrupt my So You Think You Can Dance obsession?  I read the speech summaries the next day and I know the general gist of it already.

3. I met a coworker today who has lost 70+ lbs and I want her to come coordinate my life for me now.

4. Three hours after having lunch with said co-worker I hijacked 4 chocolate chip cookies from the snacks offered at the presentation I gave.

5. My first presentation at my residency went rather well today, not sure if it was the “good” side effects of the migraine meds or that I just feel comfortable with this location.

6. Samson took another walk on the wide side last night.  Came home this morning with little seeds all through his fur.  Damn cat.

7. I dread snaking the drain currently clogged in my bathroom, think I’ll make the boy do it as punishment that his job has him out of town so much.

8. After going to an event this weekend that was themed with sunflowers I have now decided they are my second favorite flower only to snap dragons.

9. I’m going to see Ralphie May tomorrow for the sixth time.  He’s one of my favorite comedians and I’m super excited.

10.  I can’t wait to go to the lake with the puppers this weekend…. wanna come!?