well I’ve just been a bad bad blogger

So yeah, I fell off the face of the earth there for a few months…

Things have just been so busy that by the time I sit down and have some time to myself I don’t want to touch a computer, and lets me honest, time to myself is a rare commodity these days…

I submitted 5 fellowship applications – so far I’ve have only 1 rejection and 2 phone interviews, still waiting to hear back from 2 others…. The applications themselves were a bit overwhelming, trying to make sure everything was perfect – but I got them done…

I’m still working 15-20 hrs a week… and I’m taking 16 credits at school PLUS pursuing certification for Lean Six Sigma which equates to 3 more credits of work – yes I know I’m crazy…

But the great news is that I got back on the band wagon with working out – went for 2 weeks straight to the gym and lost 10 lbs, then I caught the flu and was out of commission for a few weeks, today I got my butt up at 6 am and threw myself on the elliptical and treadmill for over an hr… It felt great!

Through all of this, the stress has triggered a migraine so I’ll be picking up some cyclic breakers at the pharmacy after class today…

I hope to not disappear for 2 months again but no promise… However I will certainly update on the fellowship process – fingers crossed…

Tomorrow…. I’m going to see HANSON!!!!!! MMMMMMBOP! – def something to look forward too!!!!

Beat up

Saturday I allowed steve to come over and walk Minnie with me. He then said he was going to rebuild the retaining wall that has been falling down for 2 yrs. Knowing that I could burn some major calories in the heat doing construction I agreed to help. Plus I hoped we could work on our communication issues at the same time.

I surprised myself by how assertive I was. Believe it or not I know a little bit about building and such from helping my dad when I was younger. I did half of the work and made him talk me through all of the steps I didn’t know.

The wall isn’t finished but 3/4 of the way there. In the process I tore my hands up pretty good. Blisters all over everything some that I couldn’t get clean and I’m fighting infection now. Ugh the cost of a nice house/ property.

On A different note the song ” criminal” just came on on vh1. Talk about a blast from the past. Fiona Apple has some ugly feet love the song though.

I also had a dream last night the a road I was driving on had a quick bend and I ended up driving off a cliff. It was terrifying and I woke up in complete spams. I don’t know if ive ever had that kind of falling dream before and don’t ever want to have one again!

On my own

This week has been very therapeutic. I have refrained from all chores, started taking my showers in the evening after working out and have been sleeping pretty much straight through the night with little to no back pain.

I pretty much shut myself down in order to recover. I am sad that I won’t be able to “get away” to the lake this weekend but it’s ok.

I’ve thought about a lot over this week and I can’t rule out that steve and I are done for good but I certainly needed this time and I know that he did.

On a positive note I got an iPhone on Tuesday and am completely obsessed. I’m using a full scale fitness and calorie tracker which is keeping me on the straight and narrow.

I almost had a conniption when I logged puff pastry and saw the calorie count. I’ve walked for 45 min every night on the treadmill and stayed in the 1500 calorie range every day. Bring it baby I can do this.

before this mess began

I did make some little meals and treats last week before things took a turn… i was cooking for myself as the ex-boy was out of town for work…

And I made a breakfast for dinner meal adapted from cooking fanatic and a mishmash type of brownie that involved chocolate, graham crackers, bananas and marshmallows…

I’ll post the recipes for them later this week… but here’s a sneak peek…

i call it a baked breakfast burrito casserole lol

 

 

 

 

banana s'more brownies

 

 

 

mild panic

Today, as I stood outside and surveyed the mess that is my house and property I had an anxiety/panic attack…

My mom and step dad had come in to see me and were helping me make plans for how to attack the long list of things that had never been done while Steve and I were together – mainly because he had promised to take care of it…

But as we began to work I started to realize this is possible… I can do this… I will have to learn things, like how to properly use a weed whacker and build my stamina for soil moving, not to mention trying to save for a new roof and siding…

But I can do it…

Today has been hard, he came to get his things this morning and as I packed them up preparing for his arrival I was a bit numb… and when he clung to me as he left crying, I knew that he was hurting… But I also knew that I was not functional anymore…

I need this…

Maybe one day things may change… but that’s too far in the future to tell…

For now, I’ll be walking minnie every day… getting to the gym… working on my house… and getting back in touch with me… I’ve only been single for 2 months over the last 3 years… and I need this…