What I Would Give


I have spent the last 7 1/2 years waiting for the phone call where I pick up and hear my dad’s voice on the other end of the line say “Just kidding Binkster.  I’m fine, I just took a really long vacation.  How are you?”  I feel like I’m in one really really really bad dream that I just can’t wake up from and that at some point it’s just got to end.

I lost much more the day my dad died than just my father.  I don’t yet feel comfortable explaining it all on an open blog, I’m sure at some point I will but not at this point.  But I just feel like there is a cruelty in this universe and that an 18 year old shouldn’t have had the world crash down on her in one day.

I go through phases, 2 or 3 times a year where I just get very down and out about my dad.  Usually around the anniversary of his death (early Feb), father’s day (June) and his birthday (early Sept).  I’m a little bit early with my fall/birthday crash.  I’m not sure why. 

Maybe

  • Family reunion on Saturday – no Dad… we always went… now its just me… and I honestly don’t know if its me that is hesitant to bring him up, if its something that I exude that says “don’t talk about Dad or I’ll cry” or if my family just pretends like he was never there but talk of my dad is sparse at family events sometimes which hurts…
  • Wedding next weekend… which is such a joyful occasion and I know it will be wonderful, but you can’t help but know in the back of your mind that your father will never be there to walk you down the aisle or to dance with you… things that I couldn’t wait for
  • The start of grad school… I’m following my father’s footsteps… pursuing the same Masters Degree that my dad had… I always swore I would never be involved in healthcare and now I’ll be spending the next two years working on a Masters in Health Administration… I wish he could be here for me to go to for advice
  • His birthday… Sept 11… exactly 1 months from today… that’s a whole nother post for a whole nother day…

I would give anything to have him here again…. I would give anything to not know what it’s like to watch cancer eat someone’s body alive…. to watch someone’s mind slip away from them…

I hate him for not being invincible like a father is supposed to be… I hate myself for still not being able to function normally 7 1/2 years later…

Sunday’s shutdown has carried into Wednesday and usually that means it will last through the next Sunday shutdown… I just want to know when time will heal these wounds… because it feels like never…

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One thought on “What I Would Give

  1. Hi Natalie,

    I go through a similar state yearly around the anniversary of my Dad’s death. It usually starts around Memorial Day as he was a veteran and extends through his birthday July 8th. The really tough days are the anniversary of his death and Father’s Day which was only a few days after.

    It has been five years for me, but sometimes the grief will still hit me like it was yesterday. He is still with me though and watching out for me. I can feel his presence. I was fortunate to spend his last hours at his side. I think that is why I still feel him so strongly at times.

    This last anniversary I was working an overnight shift. As I knew the exact time of his death, it was very hard. But in the last hour before the time, I felt a warm presence and was at peace. He was there with me, to comfort me and it was OK.

    Your Dad is still with you, just in a different way. He sees your triumphs and your heartbreaks. His influence is still in your life. It is in the lessons that he taught you. It is in the memories that you have. It is in family. They may be hurting too, but don’t have your strength to share what they are feeling. Sometimes it is not necessary to say anything. Just being with people who loved him too is enough. I have no doubt that there are pieces of your Dad in each of them. In embracing them, you are also embracing him.

    Take care,

    Mary

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