out of nowhere

Those sunday breakdowns I mentioned way back when have ceased since putting in my two weeks at Dave and Busters and recently Steve has been spending Sunday’s here…

And I’ve been so busy that really I just haven’t been feeling that tore up about Dad recently… I even said last week that I was doing better than any recent years… His birthday went by and I did ok, a week passed, I did ok… I’m in school getting the same degree that he did and I’m doing ok…

And then today, I’m on my way home from work and school and I just started crying… nothing triggered it… well nothing major… ok… well maybe something… I’m worried how I’ll hold up if someone who really did know my dad runs into me during my schooling and really asks me about him or what impact he had on me and my decision to pursue this career…

Sooooooo, not like there is much of a chance of that happening… I share a last name with a former starting NFL QB and will probably get asked more if I’m related to him but still… In the healthcare community, my dad was a CEO for 15 years, who’s to say that someone won’t put 2 and 2 together and ask me about him etc….

I pulled myself together pretty quickly but a couple times as the night has gone on I’ve just had a quick burst of tears… they last about 2 minutes and then I’m done… so weird… I feel ok… But my god I miss him…

Then I’m watching DWTS and Jennifer Grey is on and she has a breakdown about Patrick Swayze … and she called him fearless and what an amazing word to use to describe someone… I’d like to think that I’m fearless but I know I’m not… I hope that one day I can be…

I hope Dad wasn’t afraid of what he was facing… and now I’m crying again… because I know that he was… I remember him saying he was scared… and what do you tell a man who knows he’s dying and is terrified of what that means…

I hope it wasn’t anything to be scared of in the end Dad… I hope it was and is beautiful… and I hope you aren’t in pain and that you understand everything… I hope that you know I love you even when I say that I hate what happened… And most of all I hope you know I would give up about anything to have one day to spend with you…


2 thoughts on “out of nowhere

  1. I still get that way too sometimes. It seems to come from nowhere, but the feelings rush in like it happened yesterday. For me it is usually from something I have read.

    Your dad lives on through you, doubly so because you chose to follow him in his profession. What a great way to respect him and honor memory.

    Take care and know that he is smiling at your choice.

  2. Thank you so much for posting on my blog so that I could find yours. You have an amazing story and I love how open and honest you are about your feelings, this will surely bring you healing.

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