what a long week


I feel like a bit of a let down not being able to get on here and post, even on the weekends…  I just feel completely whipped…  between classes, work, meeting with my mentor, networking and just trying to get my house settled before winter (I need a new roof, anyone want to come put one on for me)… I feel like there is noooo time to catch my breathe….

eating healthy is on a back burner right now however I know it could be a LOT worse… Pizza is a given one night a week though because getting home at 8pm i can’t afford to take 40 minutes to cook dinner and eat at 9… so i order on the way home, pick it up at 8 and shove a few pieces in my mouth… healthy no… but at least i’m eating something… ugh… one day i’ll look back on that and want to smack myself…

i finally got my appointment to get my knee aspirated… october 22nd… only took 7 phone calls and a total of 4 weeks to get it sorted out when apparently no one knew what they were talking about the first time i called and i could have had it at least scheduled when i attempted to make the appointment last month but whatever its on the calendar… i’ll get the cyst drained out and get a steroid shot in and then be back on my feet and back to the gym…

the cold weather actually made my knee CREAK this morning as I walked down the stairs at the parking garage… part of me laughed part of me cried… i’m 25 and my body is acting like a 50 year old… i need to go on biggest loser next year….

so I continue to be shocked by the number of people who knew of my dad and have no idea that he died… its like they think he just up and went poof one day… which i mean people are busy with their own lives… but if a man goes from running a hospital one day to just being gone the next i would think you would wonder…

It leaves me thinking if this is why my dreams about my dad have been so STRANGE lately… never before this summer have I had dreams that in the present time my dad was alive and well… it was always in the past like he never got sick or he was still battling it… all of my dreams as of late have been that he faked his death so that he could run away with my step mom and now almost 8 years later he is looking to reconnect with his family and acting as if nothing ever happened…

in every dream he calls me from one of his old numbers… asks me to come over and help him out with something like we just talked yesterday… and then doesn’t really explain anything… he looks healthy if nothing else and can’t seem to understand why i’m mad at him… just says well i’m here now doesn’t that mean something…

the dreams have been so reoccuring, about 1-2 times a month… and so vivid… like i can hear his voice, like i can feel his touch… and every time by the end of the dream he is starting to realize how much pain i’ve been in since he got since and eventually died and then of course i wake up…

and i know this is going to sound so rediculous… but the more i run into people that don’t know he’s died and talk like he’s still alive and the more i have those dreams the more i think maybe there really is just a tiny little chance that he didn’t really die and my phone is going to ring and its going to be him and he going to say… ha joke’s on you… there never was a casket, never saw his ashes… there’s never been that defining closure for me…

its like some cruel trick my mind is playing on me… its some strange hope that is sick and twisted and yet when i am in that dream and i am talking to my dad and i feel like he’s right there and he’s listening to me and for once i’m the only thing in the world to him again, it is just peaceful…

the last time i had one of those dreams and i started to wake up i apparently started yelling daddy over and over again… and i grabbed steve and called him dad before i woke up and realized that i was dreaming and in bed and that nothing was real… maybe it means i’m finally letting the rawness of the grief out… maybe it means i’m just twisting it up more… i dunno…

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