There is one last resolution that I didn’t mention in my new years post, I guess I felt as if it needed its own little blurb because I feel like it will truly be the hardest one for me to accomplish.
With everything else I hope to succeed with this year, I know that I can do it, either because I’ve done it before or because I simply have that much confidence in myself. That is not the case with this last one and I really debated if I even wanted to attempt to conqour it this year.
On February 11, it will have been 8 years since my father passed away. And for 8 years I have been completely wrapped up in anger and grief and pain that is many times beyond words. For me 8 years of battling with my own emotions, with letting the pain win, is too long.
As I embark on my journey in graduate school, persuing the same career path my father had I feel as if it is now or never to face everything head on and to stop making excuses, to deal with it and to accept what has happened. Do I know what any of that really means? no not really, because in all honesty the walls that I put up while he was ill, the way I coped with his cancer, his treatment and his death were all so damaging that I didn’t know if it was possible to recover.
The final straw was during the car shopping fiasco and realizing how much I missed him and in that one moment all of the anger just disappearing and it was absolutely terrifying. Since before he died I have been eating away my pain, pushing people out of my life and telling myself I would never succeed because I couldn’t save him when he needed it.
And that ends now…. the cancer that took him won’t take me down with it… I can’t be at 25 almost 26 year old professional half the time and a scared and scarred teenager who blames everything on her fathers death the rest of the time. To finally shed this weight – mentally and physically – it is going to require some major inner combat. But the point is, I’m going to make it out on top. It’s time and isn’t admission always the first step?
Q: is there anything that you’re afraid of taking on? why?