8 years

Tomorrow morning at 4am will mark 8 years since my dad passed away…

And this is the first year that I haven’t been angry…

Last month I said that I was done being angry, I wasn’t sure if I really meant it, I suppose I did… because in the few times that things have begun welling up inside me since then it has been just overwhelming sadness…

5 stages of grief


Depending where you go you will see different ideas of the grieving process, 5 stages, 7 stages… but they are all basically the same things… this one I guess made me feel the best about my situation… that mabye I’m on the upswing…

the site also said grieving takes on average 1-2 years, i’m totally skewing that average aren’t I???

I guess I just feel empty now… but I don’t want to punch someone, I don’t want to turn back time and scream at my dad for not understanding what he was doing… I guess I understand that he was probably sick long before anyone noticed and who knows what it was affecting…

I am past wishing I had been a better daughter, maybe realizing that at 16 what are you supposed to do??? at 17 when life is falling apart its something to just be able to save yourself much less your father…

I still hate cancer… I still wish it didn’t exist…

goodness dad... smile

Sometimes I think that things are the way they are today because he died and maybe there is a reason for that… I guess I can say I see that acceptance stage in the distance like a little light shining at the end of a long tunnel and I am reaching for it… just not sure when I’ll get there…

This year though… on year 8… the pain is a little less than it was on year 2 and year 5 and year 7… but doesn’t mean I won’t cry… doesn’t mean I don’t still wish he was here, doesn’t mean that I still don’t miss him…


6 thoughts on “8 years

  1. Oh, I never know on how to comment on posts like this but now I’m crying after reading this 😦 I’m glad to hear that it is getting easier, I cannot imagine how I am going to deal with that situation when it comes, I will be a complete wreck.

    • Oh no! I never meant for anyone to cry! I think it’s much easier to cope when you understand what’s happening but then again I’ve not been in that situation… I can only talk from my experience which isn’t one I would ever wish on anyone… Its made me who I am but it has been one long hard road…. *hugs*

  2. There is no set amount of time for grieving. I think it’s wonderful that you make such an effort to recognize and honor your feelings and emotions. You will be such a stronger person and an inspiration because of that. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers today.

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