On my own

This week has been very therapeutic. I have refrained from all chores, started taking my showers in the evening after working out and have been sleeping pretty much straight through the night with little to no back pain.

I pretty much shut myself down in order to recover. I am sad that I won’t be able to “get away” to the lake this weekend but it’s ok.

I’ve thought about a lot over this week and I can’t rule out that steve and I are done for good but I certainly needed this time and I know that he did.

On a positive note I got an iPhone on Tuesday and am completely obsessed. I’m using a full scale fitness and calorie tracker which is keeping me on the straight and narrow.

I almost had a conniption when I logged puff pastry and saw the calorie count. I’ve walked for 45 min every night on the treadmill and stayed in the 1500 calorie range every day. Bring it baby I can do this.

before this mess began

I did make some little meals and treats last week before things took a turn… i was cooking for myself as the ex-boy was out of town for work…

And I made a breakfast for dinner meal adapted from cooking fanatic and a mishmash type of brownie that involved chocolate, graham crackers, bananas and marshmallows…

I’ll post the recipes for them later this week… but here’s a sneak peek…

i call it a baked breakfast burrito casserole lol

 

 

 

 

banana s'more brownies

 

 

 

mild panic

Today, as I stood outside and surveyed the mess that is my house and property I had an anxiety/panic attack…

My mom and step dad had come in to see me and were helping me make plans for how to attack the long list of things that had never been done while Steve and I were together – mainly because he had promised to take care of it…

But as we began to work I started to realize this is possible… I can do this… I will have to learn things, like how to properly use a weed whacker and build my stamina for soil moving, not to mention trying to save for a new roof and siding…

But I can do it…

Today has been hard, he came to get his things this morning and as I packed them up preparing for his arrival I was a bit numb… and when he clung to me as he left crying, I knew that he was hurting… But I also knew that I was not functional anymore…

I need this…

Maybe one day things may change… but that’s too far in the future to tell…

For now, I’ll be walking minnie every day… getting to the gym… working on my house… and getting back in touch with me… I’ve only been single for 2 months over the last 3 years… and I need this…

Cooking for One

That’s what I’ll be doing from now on…

Not because its the new theme of the blog…

Not because I want to show how to make small portion meals…

But because after over a year and a half my relationship has disintegrated and no longer exists…

I made the decision…

I’m the one who was ridiculously unhappy…

That was obviously today when he called and thought the argument last night had been one big joke…

No, I was serious… I don’t know who you are anymore, I don’t know who I am anymore… I just know I’m so unhappy that I don’t want to come home some days…

I know I’m tired of trying to love someone who seems to hate everything I love, who says they can’t stand my Minnie girl, someone who tells me I can’t cook, never offers to help with house work…

And most importantly someone who chose to take a job that he knew would take him out of town consistently without knowing where to or when or how long until it was actually time to go… someone who accepted a job without asking me how I would feel, what it would do to us…

If there is one thing I need in my life from the person I am with it is a routine, and someone dependable… someone who will be home at the same time every day or can at least call and say I won’t be home for an hour…. someone who I know can be there if I need him and put me first…

I just can’t do it anymore… I’m not saying it will be over for forever, but we needs some time away from each other completely…

The sad part is that I’m more upset that I won’t be able to go to the lake… that I can’t get away from it… I know that I will have to really crack down on finances, that I will have to find a neighbor to help with Minnie if I have a long day… but you know what… I have lost who I am… I’ve gained 20 lbs since the boy started the new job…

I’m a shell of who I once was… and I just can’t do it anymore…

The Mess of My Mind

1. Thanks for the massive support yesterday when I opened up about the events from 8 years ago.

2. Am I a bad american because I’m a little upset that the President’s speech may interrupt my So You Think You Can Dance obsession?  I read the speech summaries the next day and I know the general gist of it already.

3. I met a coworker today who has lost 70+ lbs and I want her to come coordinate my life for me now.

4. Three hours after having lunch with said co-worker I hijacked 4 chocolate chip cookies from the snacks offered at the presentation I gave.

5. My first presentation at my residency went rather well today, not sure if it was the “good” side effects of the migraine meds or that I just feel comfortable with this location.

6. Samson took another walk on the wide side last night.  Came home this morning with little seeds all through his fur.  Damn cat.

7. I dread snaking the drain currently clogged in my bathroom, think I’ll make the boy do it as punishment that his job has him out of town so much.

8. After going to an event this weekend that was themed with sunflowers I have now decided they are my second favorite flower only to snap dragons.

9. I’m going to see Ralphie May tomorrow for the sixth time.  He’s one of my favorite comedians and I’m super excited.

10.  I can’t wait to go to the lake with the puppers this weekend…. wanna come!?

The Truth

This won’t be a pretty post. But it’s one that has been a long time coming.

For the past year I have felt as if I was holding back on this blog. Not a lot, but withholding one major part of my life that I find deep shame in and have fallen victim of societies taboo. I’ve gone back and forth time and again on whether I would share this with people I don’t even know.

However, I have come to realize that in overcoming everything that has happened with the loss of my dad, that this is so deeply intertwined that without acknowledging it I will be stuck.

But its time to come clean…

It’s time to take back the night

If you are familiar with that phrase then you are officially clued into what this post is really about.

January 6, 2003 I was raped by an ex-boyfriend.  I had been helping him find a stable living arrangement – mainly to take my mind off of my dying father, and when I showed up that day to check in on him my entire life changed.

I walked out of that place feeling dirty, disgusting and knowing that the outcome would not be a good one.  I told no one, went on living the best I could and kept the secret.  Two days later I curled up in bed claiming to be ill when he showed up at my house. I shook, hid under the covers and was relieved when my mother told him I was not up for visitors.

January 22, 2003 – my 18th birthday.  I don’t even remember it.  I was trying to hard to just cope with life that it passed in a blur.

January 29, 2003 – the pregnancy test indicated positive.  I collapsed, called my mother and finally divulged the secret I had been holding onto for the last 23 days.  All I could remember was telling him as he finally let me up was “what have you done to me?”

A few days later as I saw my dad struggling to hold onto his last bit of life, he asked me what was wrong with me, why I was different.  I told him I was fine and just worried about him.  And in his eyes, in that split second I knew that he knew I was lying and I could see his heart-break.

He passed away February 11, 2003, never knowing what had happened.  It is the one thing that I have had the most difficulty forgiving myself for.  It was a burden I refused to give him and yet he would have been the one person who would have known the right thing to say.

The morning of February 11th,  I got the call that he had passed away.  Later that day I was in the ER, diagnosed as having had a miscarriage.  It is my firm belief that Dad may have not known what was going on while he was alive, but that when he left this world, he took the baby with him.

Would I have kept the baby? I don’t know.  I was always someone who believed in pro-choice in events such as rape, but once faced with the decision I was torn.

Only after the miscarriage did I tell my closest friends what had happened.  Only on occasion is it mentioned, such as mentioning the fact that I drank a gallon of apple juice every couple days, or that I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever be able to bring myself to get pregnant again, and my doubts that if I do, who’s to say it won’t end in another miscarriage.

After February 11th, I did everything I could to ruin my own happiness, I did everything I could to forget.  In my mind, I hadn’t fought him enough, I hadn’t said no loud enough, I had been naive enough to think I could help someone who was beyond saving.

Over the next 8 years I gained nearly 80 lbs, I lost my desire to be who I had once been. I began keeping secrets. I lost me.

Now I need to get me back.  I need to take back my passion, my desire, my happiness.  I need to realize what happened when I was turning 18 does not define my life.  I will win.

And that is the truth, the depths of my pain and the first step in healing.

ohhhh broiler

This is what happens when you don’t have a toaster oven… and improvise by using your broiler to make your much desired cinnamon sugar toast…. and then forget that you put it in there…

on the other hand… burnt food has never made the house smell so good – cinnamon and sugar are a good scent…

you’ll be happy to know that attempt two turned out perfectly… oh and the black lumps on the toast were chocolate chunks… not diseased bread hehe…