Life

Life can be complicated… ugly, beautiful, slow, fast, unknown…

Before having surgery last month I was so so so proud of myself for getting to a good place mentally and emotionally… I had dealt with the injury for 4 months already… I had gotten my finances on track… I was feeling good about myself…

Then I had surgery… week one and two were ok… then I started to realize how much weight I gained… then people started to go back to their lives (can’t blame them) and I found my days working from home extremely lonely… I realized how much energy it took to get up for a glass of water… and then I got the blood clot… and I had to change meds all around… and who knows how much of this spiral is due to that alone..

I’m afraid I’ll never walk right again or never be allowed to run again… I’m afraid I won’t be able to get the weight back off again… and I’m terrified because I never thought I’d feel this low ever again… And anytime I try to explain it to people they say well it’s only 12 more days, or it could be worse… And I just want to scream because at this point there are no words in my vocabulary to explain how I feel… and the thought of talking to someone about it gives me anxiety because I feel so STUPID that I let this happen…

I haven’t slept well in weeks, I feel completely trapped in my house and on my couch for that matter… I’ve completely lost my appetite and I feel like I’m constantly pushing off a pending migraine…

I don’t want to be like this but I have absolutely no idea in the world where to start to fix it… All I honestly want is my Dad… I would give the world to have him here right now…